Miscarriage- My Story

This is a subject I’ve always known I should and would write about eventually. I wanted to share my miscarriage story. As it’s Babyloss Awareness Week this week, it seemed like the right time to do my part to raise awareness; to let you know, if you’ve been through this, or are going through it, that you’re not alone. Miscarriage can feel like a very isolating and lonely time but hopefully if more people speak out then others will feel the strength of the community of people willing to talk and to help.  

I became pregnant in 2012. It hadn’t been the easiest road as I suffer from PCOS and so after a few rounds of Clomid (a medicine to induce ovulation) I finally saw those two lines. It was a wonderful feeling and I completely immersed myself in pregnancy and impending motherhood. I bought the magazines, I subscribed to online parenting clubs, I read (and reread) pregnancy books! I also told a fair few people earlier than the traditional 12-week marker and this is something I don’t regret as these were the people that helped me later on. It was a happy time but one day I spotted a tiny (and I mean tiny) bit of blood. Now before I go on, I want people to know that if you see blood, this doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong- get it checked- but certainly don’t panic. I did panic however and I was called in for a scan. And there was my teeny tiny baby with a tiny flickering heart. That image will be forever imprinted in my mind. I was ecstatic. My baby was ok! I was sent away and so I carried on enjoying the thought of the little person growing inside me day by day. But then at 11 and a half weeks there was more blood, only a bit more this time. Again, I panicked and again, I was referred for a scan. Only this time, instead of pointing out my little baby’s heart, there was just stillness. And quietness. I’ve heard a lot of people mention the quietness of the room prior to being told their pregnancy has ended and it’s true. And in that time, you desperately cling on to every single hope, you pray that this is one of the times they’ve made a mistake. But there was no mistake and eventually the words did come;

“I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat”.

I remember feeling utterly, utterly robbed in the days that followed. Which perhaps seems egotistical, I’m not owed anything of course, there are no guarantees in life but that was MY baby. That was MY time. With the loss of the pregnancy, came the loss of the future I'd envisioned in my head: the first steps, first birthday, holidays by the sea, school days etc. I’d not felt a sadness like it before.

Afterwards, I did talk about my miscarriage with anyone that would listen and I’d wondered since if perhaps I’d overshared but that was my way of saying ‘my baby was here, they existed, you need to hear about her’. I felt like I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. In the years following the miscarriage, that’s the thing that gets me every time; the thought that people don’t know that they existed. For a very small time they were here and in that time, that little soul made a massive impact on me.   

I’m not going to detail my experiences of the physical process of it all but if anyone does want to talk regarding this then I will be happy to share my experience with them.

Of course, I did later go on to fall pregnant again and in March 2013 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. 2 years and 9 months after this, I was again blessed with another beautiful boy. I think daily about the baby I never met but now the experience is very bitter sweet. Without that loss, my biggest boy would never have had a chance to exist as I would have still been pregnant at the time he was conceived. It’s hard to wrap my head around but it is what it is.

Day by day, week by week, more and more women approached me to quietly whisper that they too, had previously had a miscarriage. It soon became very clear that as a society, we don’t talk about it. But we should. Because the people that said, ‘hey, I’ve been through this, I’m still here, I got by and I’m OK’ well, they made me realise that I could be OK too.  And in time I was. And, if this is you, then you will be too.

For more help and support visit The Miscarriage Association
To learn more about depression visit DepressionAlliance.org